Transcribed from: Z100
Transcribed by: Tavie@aol.com
Aired: Early 1996
Kevin: No, Scott, you're WAY better than I am!
Scott: Kevin, I like you a lot better than I like myself.
Kevin: You liar, you like yourself way more than you like me!
Scott: No, you're a liar, Kevin, you can't like somebody else better than you like yourself!
Kevin: No I'm not a liar, here I am on top of the Empire State Building and I'm telling you-- that you're better than me!
Scott: No, Kevin, I like you better than me!
Host: (laughing) This is-- you guys--
Scott: UGH! I hate you
Host: You guys are actually fighting over yourselves!
Scott and Kevin: Yeah, well, what else-- what else are we gonna fight over, Steve?
Scott: We both like you better than we like ourselves.
Host: True story..big family hug after this is all done. When's the movie out? I mean, I've been waiting forever. I've been at my.. I've been at a theater near me waiting for YEARS for this. April--
Kevin: It's released the 12th of April.
Scott: April 12th.
Host: Let me write this down. That'd be 4-dash-12?
Host: Aaand.. who's funnier in the movie?
Scott and Kevin: Uhhh...
Kevin: Scott is! Scott is way funnier than Bruce! Shut up Scott!
Scott: Kevin's the funniest..he's wait, Kevin, you are WAY funnier.. I'm not even funny, Kevin!
Scott and Kevin: (to each other, at the same time) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Host:(laughing) Well, it's good to see you guys have worked out your problems.
Kevin: Yeah, well, you know..
Scott: Yeah, you know, that's what comedy's for..
Host: All, right, now of course, the Kids in the Hall a comedy troupe from Canada composed of about, what?-- 70, 75 members..
Kevin: 75 members. Plus we had 112 members but 32 quit.
Host: Yeah, and they've been paired down to a total of just the two of you.
Scott: Just the 2 of us, yes.
Host: Now, have you murdered the other cast members at this point?
Kevin: Yes, we have, but to say that would be stupid.
Scott:...and turned them into smoothies.
Host: Well, good for you. Yeah, and uh, you wanna tell me all about the movie? I'm sure it's a complicated love story with social implications?
Scott: Why don't you start, Kevin, because you're so articulate about things like this..
Host: All right, let's go to the articulate Kevin McDonald..
Kevin: No, I'm NOT, Scott!
Scott: Yes, you are, Kevin!
Kevin: Well, it's a movie, uh, I'd like to say it's a comedy about depression, you know, Brain Candy, about a scientist and his team of scientists who discover a cure for depression.
Scott: Now, does it come in a pill, a liquid form? An injection?
Host:What is it, actually?
Kevin: It's a supposi..
Scott: Suppository! That's my thought, exactly, Kevin! I'm wearing one right now!
Host: Yes, and you've never looked prettier.
Scott: Thank you.
Kevin: I'm wearing three..
Host: And, OK, so it's.. it's a cure for depression.
Kevin: It's a cure for depression, and it makes people so happy, some people sort of become happy zombies, and uh, so the scientists have to, uh, discover a cure.
Host: When does hilarity ensue? Is it halfway, is it partially through the movie, is it near the end?
Kevin: The credits are hilarious. Hilarious.
Host: How much nudity in the film? A lot of gratuitous nudity?
Scott: Yes, and all done by me.
Host: Oh, good for you!
Host: And what about car chases? We have some car chases in the film, for the male--
Scott: Uh, there's some nude car chases, yeah...
Host: Nude car chases. All right.
Patty(co-host): No matter what you ask for, it's in this movie.
Host: Really, explosions, you got explosions?
Scott: Oh yes there's explosions.
Host: You know what I'd love to see, one of those runs through a field of wheat. With the two of you..
Kevin: Oh, you got it, sir!
Patty: There's two of them!
Host: Yeah, two field-wheat-runs.
Kevin: Did you write the script or something?
Host: No, no, no, I'm just guessing luckily. And this is all shot on location...where?
Kevin: In Toronto.
Patty: Wherever you'd like.
Scott: It was shot..here!
Scott and Kevin: ON TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING!!!!
Host: OK, uh, now we actually have somebody on the phone that wants to say hi to you. Would you mind if we went to the phone? You, you know I should've talked with your management, let me do that right now. Host: (in a fake voice) Will they take phone calls?
Kevin: (in falsetto) Oh, yeah, they love to take calls!
Host: All right then, line 16, this is someone named Tavie! [Tavie's note: ME! ]
Scott: Hi, Tavie.
Kevin: Hi, Tavie.
Tavie: Oh my God! Yeah, I just wanted to ask if you guys read, like, the newsgroup on the net?
Scott: Oh my God, Tavie, I recognize you!
Tavie: You DO?!?!
Scott: T-A-V-I..I know you, I read your postings all the time. I'm NOT kidding, the moment I heard that you were Tavie I thought, "This CAN'T be the Tavie from the newsgroup!"
Tavie: No way.
Scott: I'm serious.
Tavie: Oh, that's so cool.
Tavie's sister in the background: She loves you.
Scott: Yeah, so of course, I do read them, yeah.
Tavie: And you, you, like, visit the chat table at Scottland?
Scott: All the time!
Tavie: Oh you DO?!?
Scott: All the time.
Patty: Oh, listen to her, she's so excited!
Scott: I do, I'm--
Tavie: I am, I'm happy!
Patty: Who's that in the background? (Tavie's note: referring to my sister )
Scott: You know, Tavie-- I always go in, though, I always go in as different people, though, a lot of the times you won't know it's me.
Scott: And I'm always the one that's causing havoc.
Tavie: Oh, cool, that's cool.
Host: OK, Tavie, Kevin's feeling a little left out, could you make up another question for Kevin?
Tavie: Oh, Kevin, Kevin, I love you so much, Kevin.
Kevin: (laughing) Thank you very much, Tavie..
Tavie:..and you're my favorite [Tavie's note: OK, I just have to add that DAVE is my favorite but I adore Kevin and I'm thinking of developing a crush on him. :)]
Kevin: Thank you for lying, Tavie.
Scott: No, it's true. I read all of her postings and all she does is talk about YOOOOOU!
Kevin: You're wrong, Tavie, Scott's better!
Scott: (laughing) No...
Tavie: Kevin is the cutest Kid, everybody thinks he's the sexiest...
Scott: It's true, I think the same thing.
Tavie: Thank you so much!
Kevin: Well thank YOU Tavie!
Host: Thanks for being on the show, and you've won a new car! Oh, sorry, I have to disconnect you...
Tavie: Oh, great! I can't drive or anything, but...
Host: Oh, well that's fine, neither can I. All right, thanks for being here at the top of the Empire State Building with us. All right, now I know you guys are VERY busy, I know you have Nightline, and, uh, C-Span coming up, can you hang out for just a few more minutes?
Patty: And Meet the Press...
Scott: I see we have Night--we're doing Nightline five times.
Host: That's what it is..
Kevin: Also the top of the Empire State Building...
Host: All right, can you hang around for just a few minutes?
Scott and Kevin: Yes.
Host: All right, the Kids in the Hall are here, Pat.
Patty: Yes, I know they are and I'm loving it!
Host: And you know what, we're up on top of the Empire State Building with 'em!
Patty: Yes we are...
Host: This is Z-100.
Host: Z-100, Scott Thompson, Kevin McDonald, the Kids in the Hall are here. Their new movie "Brain Candy" opens on April the 12th.. Pat, it's the sensitive story of a dim-witted Southerner who goes off to Vietnam and through sheer luck comes back and makes a lot of money in the shrimp business. And I couldn't salute you guys more.
Patty: I don't think so...
Host: Congratulations, it's a great story, it's a great idea..it's great for America.
Kevin: Thank you.
Scott: Thank you very much.
Host: So, uh, Kevin, don't leave a single thing out, where did it all start for you, uh, where'd it begin, how'd it end?
Patty: When will it end?
Kevin: Well, I was born in Montreal in the early 60's. In 1961, and it all began there. My father was a dental equipment salesman, true story.
Host: OK, and thanks for that.
Patty: What fine teeth you have!
Kevin: Thank you.
Host: And control of the board, Scott, tell us all about what's happened for you.
Scott: What's happened for me?
Host: What's happened for you, Scott, don't leave anything out.
Scott: Today, here, on top of the Empire State Building?
Host: Right here on top of the Empire State Building. Hold me if you feel a little queasy from the height.
Scott: I'm a little nervous, it's a little high.
Patty: So are you!
Scott: Um, yeah..
Kevin: It almost looks like there's, like, water down there, and grass..
Scott: Yeah, sort of, it's a strange grass-shaped building.
Host: You know what that is, that's a mural!
Scott: Oh, it's a mural..
Host: So anyway, the question was where did it begin and where is it going to end?
Scott: Well, we began about, like, uh, eleven years ago at a little club called the Rivoli on Queen Street in Toronto, and one day we were discovered by Mr. Lorne Michaels..
Host: You know, if he stays in this business he's going to do fine.
Scott: So, yeah, I think he's going to do . And then, uh..
Kevin: He's a good kid!
Scott: Lorne, Lorne's a good kid. Him and Yvonne [something] from the CBC gave us a television show..
Kevin: Another good kid!
Scott: Very good kid..
Kevin: A coupla good kids!
Scott: A couple good kids, they're gonna go places..
Host: And when, actually, when was the infusion of the drugs and the sex and all the problems that you guys have had?
Kevin: Right from the beginning, man!
Scott: Oh, man...it's always been there, from the very start, man...
Kevin: Yeah, man, drugs, drugs, drugs!
Host: So you guys were actually ruined in show business before you were IN show business. The business actually ruined you prior to getting into it.
Scott or Kevin: Exactly. Yeah.
Scott: We all met in rehab.
Scott: But it wasn't drug rehab, we met in whore rehab. We'd been going to too many whores.
Scott: And uh..
Patty: You got a problem with that?
Scott: No, no, I don't.. no, no, no!
Scott: I love the ladies.
Host: All right, and let's make fun of the other cast members who couldn't be bothered to show up. Uh, Kevin, you wanna start?
Kevin: Well...Bruce is...very short.
Scott: And Mark's too tall for his feet...
Kevin: A little too tall. And, Dave is...just right. Eeeeewwww...
Host: OK, and, aren't we missing somebody?
Scott: His..pants are hiked too high.
Host: Wait a minute! Urkel?!
Kevin: His glasses are pretty funny...
Host: Urkel is a Kid in the Hall?!?!
Kevin: The sixth Kid in the Hall, yeah..
Scott: He's the sixth Kid...
Host: No, he's the unknown Kid in the Hall!
Scott: Yeah, he writes all of our material.
Host: And, uh, the Olsen twins I think worked with you guys, too, didn't they?
Scott: Yes, Kate and Ashley..
Kevin: 'Til they got addicted to crack, and [Scott laughs].. that was the end for them.
Patty: They're little children!
Scott: Well, it happens..
Host: They're in show business.
Kevin: Little crack-children!
Scott: Twins, yah.
Host: And if you could say just one thing to take eight dollars out of an innocent citizen's public pocketbook to come see your movie, what would it be?
Scott: Put down your crack pipe, get out of the house and come see our movie!
Patty: (making fun of Scott's accent) The hoce!
Host: The hoce, that's right. And Kevin, can you second that emotion?
Kevin: I can second that emotion, good song by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles.
Host: Let's sing a little bit of that right now.
Kevin: (in falsetto) I second that emotion..
Scott: I second that emotion...
Host: Thanks very much. And Scott, would you like to sing anything before we throw you off the show?
Scott: I'd like to sing... (high voice) Second thaaat emotion... he seconds that emotion..
Host: You know what's incredible, we spent hours this morning hosting this little segment and it's gone just as we planned.
Scott: I never thought that the day would come when Madonna opened for us.
Host: How 'bout that?
Scott: I'm pretty excited about that.
Host: And let me tell you something, you look great in breast-cones.. we talked about it earlier, I didn't expect you to wear 'em but it's a good look for you and a good look for the 90's.
Scott: Thank you...
Host: Anything else? I've got plenty of time, I'm here 'til ten, anything else you guys wanna say?
Kevin: Uh, dooby-dooby-doo..
Scott and Kevin: Dut dut dut dut dut dut duuuuh....
Kevin: Zippy dippy dooo!
Host: Well, if that doesn't get people to come to the movie, nothing will!
Kevin: Rippy dippy ding dong...
Host: Wait, who made-- is this a Paramount movie?
Kevin: Yes, it's a Paramount movie.
Scott: But, you know, it's a Canadian movie. I consider it a Canadian movie released by Paramount. Paramount, Canada. Anything American is the money.
Host: All right, so if you'd like to go see this sensitive, caring, loving, romantic, action-thriller with just a touch of horror thrown in.. it's Brain Candy and it'll open April 12th.
Kevin: April 12th!
Host: God Bless the fine work that you gentleman have done!
Scott and Kevin: Thank you!
Host: God bless you! I'd sing-- you know, if I knew the words to O, Canada, I'd sing it right now!
Kevin: (singing) O, Canada...
Scott and Kevin: (singing) La la la la la la...
Kevin: La la la..
Scott: I second thaaat emotion..
Scott and Kevin: La la la la la la!
Host: I'm gonna get weepy. It's the Kids in the Hall, you have to go home, now, thank you.
Everyone: Bye bye! Buh-bye! Bye.. [etc.]